I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have tasted many bathrooms
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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