Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Even my vagina gasped.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
