this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
