You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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