I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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