just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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