my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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