So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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