I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
