Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
