i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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