maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
