He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
