gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im six kinds of drunk right now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
