Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
