They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
