What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
