oh god the rape fog is back!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
