I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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