just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
