I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
