1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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