The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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