Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
