hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
