im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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