my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
