It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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