I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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