Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I believe in your delicious
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
