I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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