P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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