I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
