mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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