I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
