I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
