He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
