Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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