alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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