Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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