is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
