im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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