if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
