I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We have started to decorate penises.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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