Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
no, he came in my armpit
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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