How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
