did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
a search helicopter?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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