Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
