How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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