I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
