I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
