P.S. I can't hear my feet
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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