I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
