hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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