come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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