I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
