i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
