Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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