This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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